Amuro Ray

   

Never has a character affected me as much as Amuro Ray. Something about this silly dude fits into my mind like a perfect puzzle piece. 

I mean, look at him, his eyes are so round and shiny, his hair is fluffy like a dog's. He is awkward to the point of it being endearing. He is insecure, yet will do whatever he needs to help his loved ones. He always tries to see the best in people, even if they tried to kill him at 15 (*cough* Char *cough*.) I love how lame he is. I love how much of a geek he is. He is smart, but he doesn't show off. He has an appreciation for women who can kick his ass, which means he has incredible taste. 

Anyone who is reading this should read the manga, "Amuro and I." It's just absolutely adorable, and it made me incredibly emotional, being someone who was impacted by the existence of Amuro's character. 

(Intrusive) Thoughts on OCD

   

I'm honestly surprised my family didn't figure out I have OCD earlier. My sibling said they've suspected since I was in middle school, but I can recall some red flags even before that.  I've always been an overthinker, nothing is simple in my mind. 

    I really like Gundam!

    But some people think Gundam has problematic themes

    But as long as I acknowledge that, I can focus on the good parts!

    Doesn't that mean you're making excuses? 

    But nothing is perfect!

    Just admit it, you're a terrible person.

This is how my thought process usually goes. I can't simply just like something, I have to find some issue with it, I have to find a reason why it's wrong for me to like it (of course this doesn't apply to anyone but me). OCD can take many forms, which I believe is why there a lot of misunderstandings about it among the general population. I don't have compulsions that manifest physically; I have mental compulsions: ruminating, punishing myself, etc.. I don't wash my hands a specific amount of time, I'm not a neat freak (the exact opposite of that really, I'm a disorganized mess), I don't look like the stereotype of someone with OCD. People have a tendency to be surprised by how deep this issue goes, that it's not some quirky trait. I could compare OCD to mental torture, beating yourself up over and over again, never escaping this cycle of self-loathing. Something that might seem so simple to others, like moving on from a thought, is literally impossible to someone like me. 

Recently I have been trying to lessen my Twitter use, because hoo boy, is it bad for my overall mental health. The problem with having both ADHD and OCD, is that ADHD causes me to say something stupid, and OCD makes me think about it over and over. Social media is such a complicated thing. On one hand, it makes it easier to connect with people who have similar interests, but also, you expose yourself to so many shit people with shit opinions. Going private may help keep those people away, but it also lessens your chance of finding other people you may actually enjoy talking to. This double edged sword makes me want to scream honestly... 

Thoughts on Beltorchika and Amuro

 

 

   I am sure if you are reading this you came from my twitter account, and if you came from my twitter account, then I'm sure you know I'm a fan of Beltorchika. Funny enough, this is only a recent development. At first, like many people, I thought she was annoying and overbearing. It was when I read Beltorchika's Children that my perspective changed. Beltorchika's attitude changes a lot by Beltorchika's Children; she is a lot more mellowed out (she still has her intense personality). It made me realize that, Amuro and Beltorchika's relationship in Zeta is new and fresh, and they still hadn't figured out how find their rhythm. 

    I feel that Tomino's writing when it comes to relationships can get misunderstood. He likes messy and realistic. To some people, messy and realistic is the equivalent to toxic. It's not often that adult couples in fiction are portrayed going through relationship troubles, that aren't overdramatized. You may say, "Four and Kamille have relationship drama!" but to that I respond, it was external drama that had nothing to do with the personalities of the characters. The drama was caused by supernatural forces keeping them apart. Amuro and Beltorchika experience drama because of internal troubles between them. It's fair to keep in mind, both of these individuals are heavily traumatized. Amuro, of course, was a child soldier forced to kill in order to survive, then after winning the war, the Federation treated him like a criminal. We don't know as much about Beltorchika, but we do know that her family was killed during the OYW. These two character's have motivations heavily driven by their respective traumas. Beltorchika hates violence, yet recognizes the necessity of fighting back in a war. Amuro struggles to be proactive due to his fear, caused by what he experienced in his days as a soldier. This isn't the healthiest combination of issues for a couple to have. 

These two are always kissing smh

      In my mind, there is no doubt that they love and care about each other deeply. They have both been willing to sacrifice something, just so the other can stay safe. I know there is an overwhelming amount of people who haven't read the Beltorchika's Children manga, but god, they are so deeply in love with each other there. Their relationship has such a sense of casual intimacy and domesticity, they simply fit together like two puzzle pieces. They joke around with each other, playfully argue, and they show a lot of physical affection. They would both do anything for each other, even putting themselves in harm's way. 

    I can understand where some people are coming from with their criticisms of Belorchika's character and her relationship with Amuro. It is slightly toxic in the beginning, two damaged people trying to refill their hearts, but just because it starts out that way; doesn't mean it stays that way. Relationships take time and effort. Just because two people love each other, it doesn't mean they'll automatically get along well; but isn't that what Gundam is all about? Putting in the effort to reach a deeper understanding with those around you? They may break up in the main timeline of Gundam, but in Tomino's original vision, they stay together, through thick and thin.