(Intrusive) Thoughts on OCD

   

I'm honestly surprised my family didn't figure out I have OCD earlier. My sibling said they've suspected since I was in middle school, but I can recall some red flags even before that.  I've always been an overthinker, nothing is simple in my mind. 

    I really like Gundam!

    But some people think Gundam has problematic themes

    But as long as I acknowledge that, I can focus on the good parts!

    Doesn't that mean you're making excuses? 

    But nothing is perfect!

    Just admit it, you're a terrible person.

This is how my thought process usually goes. I can't simply just like something, I have to find some issue with it, I have to find a reason why it's wrong for me to like it (of course this doesn't apply to anyone but me). OCD can take many forms, which I believe is why there a lot of misunderstandings about it among the general population. I don't have compulsions that manifest physically; I have mental compulsions: ruminating, punishing myself, etc.. I don't wash my hands a specific amount of time, I'm not a neat freak (the exact opposite of that really, I'm a disorganized mess), I don't look like the stereotype of someone with OCD. People have a tendency to be surprised by how deep this issue goes, that it's not some quirky trait. I could compare OCD to mental torture, beating yourself up over and over again, never escaping this cycle of self-loathing. Something that might seem so simple to others, like moving on from a thought, is literally impossible to someone like me. 

Recently I have been trying to lessen my Twitter use, because hoo boy, is it bad for my overall mental health. The problem with having both ADHD and OCD, is that ADHD causes me to say something stupid, and OCD makes me think about it over and over. Social media is such a complicated thing. On one hand, it makes it easier to connect with people who have similar interests, but also, you expose yourself to so many shit people with shit opinions. Going private may help keep those people away, but it also lessens your chance of finding other people you may actually enjoy talking to. This double edged sword makes me want to scream honestly...